21 The Last Of 26

I have never really been fixated with weight… “Oh yes you are”!… Eeeerrrmmm excuse me! Who’s blog is this!

Anyway, as I was saying, before I was rudely interrupted, I have never really been fixated with weight. As long as I am around 8.5 stone I am quite happy, the world is a nice place. Tuesday evening, I was playing text tennis with one of the girls I worked with on Monday, she dropped into the conversation, something about going to the gym. Then, as we were chatting nicely, she mentioned weight, and said she “Felt a little chubby”, and after asking the pertinent question, she replied… “I am usually somewhere about 7 and a half stone”!

She is 5 foot 3… So I am 2 inches taller, but that means, those 2 inches weigh a stone!

Where are these inches? And why do they weigh so much?

Later in the evening, I showed Matty the relevant text message…

“Look at this… she’s a stone lighter than me, but only 2 inches shorter… we gotta find these 2 inches”!

“She’s probably super skinny… don’t worry about it”!

“No, she isn’t super skinny, she was very nicely put together”!

“Well maybe she’s lacking somewhere”!

“No, she had two arms, two legs, and body and a head… I notice this stuff”!

“Did she have boobs”?

“Yeah… two”!

“Little ones”?

“Kind of… I guess”.

“Well there you go then… mystery solved, now can we get back to watching Iron Man”?

“So my boobs weigh a stone”?

“No, they weigh about the same as a bag of sugar… each”.

“You’ve compared my boobs to a bag of sugar”?

“Yeah… why, what’s wrong with that”?

“You’re weird”!

“Maybe, but I’m not looking for two inches which weigh a stone, am I?… 7 and a half stone? I could pick her up in one hand”!

“Could you pick me up in one hand”?

“Yeah… as long as the other hand could operate the winch”!

Tuesday was Pancake Day… or Shrove Tuesday, whatever that means? It was also know as, “The last day of being 26″. Over the last few weeks, I have conditioned myself for this day, and came to the conclusion that there is no point fretting at another year passing. Logically, there is nothing I can do. The clock just keeps ticking, whether I fret or not. So, logic dictates… fretting about age is pointless. However, logic isn’t always at hand, so lets have a damn good fret… Shit I am twenty fucking seven!

Now, 27 is a pretty shitty age to be. The 27 club and all that… Even my Dad said, “Well if you get through 27, you’ll be around for a long time”! Well that just goes to show, the man I grew up with, and the man I relied on as the “Knower of all things”… talks a heap of shit!

But, I am determined to get through this 27 thing, and still be alive next year… even though that means, I will be twenty fucking eight!

OK, sorry for all the swearing, but it’s an emotional time. I quite liked being 21, but that only lasted a year, it disappeared pretty quickly in fact. And no doubt, this 27 stuff will pass equally quickly too. It’s pretty damn scary! But, then of course, you are expected to celebrate this day too… I kind of forgot what I am supposed to be celebrating here!

My Dad sent his usual text of Happy Birthday, and tagged on… “Oh I still remember the day you were born, it was raining and horrid, and just as you popped out, this ray of sunshine came through the window and lit the room up! I can’t believe that was 27 years ago, it seems like it was only yesterday”!

Shut up Dad…

All this must sound like I am neurotic, and feeling down, and sounding all grumpy? Not so! Not so! I do not care if my friend, acquaintance, person, is one stone lighter than me. More fool her, for not growing boobs which weigh a bag of sugar… each. And more fool her, for only being 5 foot 3 inches tall! I do not care. I also do not care that the 21st is my last day of 26… because that is just how things are. I shall just look at it as passing time. I am one year cleverer, and one whole year wiser, than this time last year. And, during that year, I have achieved things! Many things! OK, I can’t remember what they were right now, but I did achieve things. I got a certificate, in basic flower arranging… that’s something I didn’t have before. And, I rescued MollyCat from a tree! Not bad for a year, I hear you say!

So, if 27 is to be my last year, at least my tomb stone will be a little fuller. “Here lies Sarah Louise Lambert… she had a certificate in basic flower arrangement”.

Matty, in one of his, shall we say, more wittier moments, told me…

“Ooooooh tomorrow I get to have sex with an older woman”!

“Well, don’t be too long… because tea will be ready around 6.30″!

“I mean you stupid… You’re catching me up… 27 hey, you laughed at me when I was 27, do you remember”?

“Yeah I remember, but it wasn’t because you were 27, it was because you’re an idiot”!

Tuesday was another day of work. My week has been a little topsy turvey again, having worked on Monday too. Doreen had a doctors appointment, set for Tuesday afternoon, which meant she would have to shut her shop. So, I volunteered myself as shop helperer outerer. With working in the morning, there was an overlap of time, so, she dropped a set of keys off, so I could open up when I got there.

She asked…

“Should I leave the alarm off, or will you be OK if it’s turned on”?

“Eeermmm, put it on if you want, write the numbers down for me”.

“Right, so you tap these numbers into the pad and it will go beeeep… are you sure you’ll be OK”?

She thinks I am stupid doesn’t she! I explained that I am a very sensible human being, and I am quite capable of tapping four numbers into a key pad. “Do not stress, I will be fine”!

After a mornings shoot, which went quite well, pretty well in fact, apart from falling over when getting dressed to leave, which amused everyone, apart from me. I decided to leave the shoes on in which I had been working. That was a big mistake! Highlighted when I got one heel caught in my skirt as I was pulling it up, and after some hopping, I just went feet in the air and landed on the floor. Then there was this ripping sound as my heel tore the lining… awesome! Everyone was very, very, concerned, and when they had stopped laughing at me, someone asked if I was OK… I was, thank you!

A quick change from a very smart, but now ripped black pencil skirt, which I was going to look after the shop in, into a denim mini skirt, which wasn’t really the plan. But better than the other stuff in my bag of outfits, I guess. Beggars in this case, cannot be choosers!

No problem with the alarm system at the shop, see, I am quite capable. I put the kettle on, and had just got back into the shop when some old dear walked in…

“Are you open”?

“Yeah… we’re open, why”?

“It’s just that the sign on the door says Closed, that’s all”!

I forgot about that, so I turned it around… Now we are really open. The old dear picked a bouquet of flowers, paid and toddled off, so I made my cup of coffee. The next customer was an old man, who picked a bunch of flowers…

“How much are these love”?

“Eeerrrmmm I don’t know… eeerrrrmmm I think they are five quid”!?

“Five pounds? They were only £3.99 last week”!

“You bought some last week”?

“Aye, I buy them every week, they’re for my wife, I go to see her every Tuesday”!

“Well, I guess if they were £3.99 last week, they’re still £3.99 this week too”!

“Are you new here”?

“Yeah, I’m here because Doreen, the owner, she’s at the doctors today”.

“Oh I see. A government thing is it… you’re on that work experience thing are you”?

“Yeah, something like that… anyway I hope your wife likes the flowers”.

“She’s been dead 20 years”!

“Ooooooo sorry… £1.01 change… thanks,  bye now”!

Shit! How was I supposed to know? The next customer was a woman, I guess in her 50′s maybe, and as mad as a box of frogs.

“Hello, do you do Venue Dressing here”?

“Yeah we do… what can I help you with”?

“I saw the sign in the window the other day, (Which says, Venue Dressing, Chair Cover and Bow Hire) and I thought I would come back and ask if you do it”.

“Yes, we do do it… so what can I help you with”?

“My daughter is getting married, and she’s collecting tea cups”!

“Hhhhmmm hmmm, as a hobby”?

“No, for her wedding”!

“Right, OK, so what can I do for you”?

“My daughter is getting married next year, and she’s collecting antique tea cups, and tea pots too, when she finds nice ones… she goes to auctions, you know, and she’s got a few now”!

“That’s nice… so what can I do for you, does she need flowers or chair covers? Both maybe”?

“Oh no… she doesn’t want flowers, that’s what I’ve been saying to you”!

“OK… so what does she want from us… I think I missed that part”?

“My daughter is getting married next year and she’s collecting….”

“Yeah, I got that part, but we don’t sell tea cups, new or old… we do flowers and chair cover hire… this isn’t Sotheby’s”!

“No, no, I know… What she want’s to know is… What I want to know is… When she has all the cups and tea pots, will you take them to Walton Gardens and set them out on the tables for us? I don’t think she will have time on the wedding day”!

“Eeeerrrmmm No”!

“Oh”!

“Well, we aren’t insured to carry antique cups and tea pots, they’re valuable I guess, and I’m not risking it… we aren’t Pickfords either”!

“Oh”!

“Look, pack them all in boxes, and take them to the venue the night before the wedding, their staff will set them out for you. Just tell ‘em where they all go”!

“Oh that’s a good idea!… Did you say you sell flowers”?

“I did, we’re a florist shop, we sell flowers… I thought you said she didn’t want any”?

“No she doesn’t want flowers”!

“Cool… well there’s nothing I can really do for you then… sorry”!

“She wants a bouquet, and ones for the bridesmaids, and button holes as well”!

“So, she wants flowers then”?

“No, she doesn’t want flowers, just a bouquet, and ones for the…”!

“Here’s a brochure of everything we do, take this home and have a look. If there is anything we can do for you, apart from the transportation of old crockery, we would be happy to help”!

She left… I sighed, then sat down with my now cool cup of coffee, and played some music from my phone. An hour past, without any further incident, a few sales, but no gaffs from me, or any more head cases collecting tea cups. Doreen came back…

“How did you go on at the docs”?

“OK, really, he gave me some tablets… everything OK here”?

“Yeah… no problem at all. It all went peachy. I’ll make you a nice cuppa… and tell you about Mrs. Tea Pot”.